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A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket". The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on". The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again."Your horse phoned

JOKE 1
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story Always let your boss have the first say. LOL

JOKE 2
Lost in a Supermarket A man approached a beautiful young woman in a supermarket and asked "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

The federal government is sending each of us a N60, 000 rebate. If we spend that money at Shop-rite, the money goes to China. If we spend it on fuel it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless scrap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the Nigerian economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on Mama -put, Nkwobi, Soldier Root, Peppersoup, Opa-eyin, Jedi, Juju, Monkeytail, Isi-Ewu, Beer and Prostitutes, since these are the only products still produced in Nigeria....Abi how far

A man, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating what the future would be after he has divorced his wife, lost his children and his job...He noticed a crate of beer bottle and walked up to it. He took out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, 'You are the reason i don't have a wife', second bottle', you are the reason I have no children'', third bottle ''You are the reason I lost my job''. He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says ''Stand aside my dear friend; I know you are not involved

Kids Say The Darndest Things...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Rodney, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Kids Say The Darndest Things...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Rodney, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought,
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids,
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day,
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there,

On the couch,

Naked.

Three women visits a psychologist for addiction problems. The psychologist relates to the women on how they have made their addiction tell on their kids names.

Psychlogist says to the 1st woman: Meryline, your adiction on sweet things made u name your daughter Candy.

Psychologist says to the 2nd woman: Debbie, your addiction on liqour made u name your girl Brandy.

And before the psychologist turned to the 3rd woman, she stands up with so much anger, grabbed her son's arm and says DICK come lets go! we need to get out of here and not listen to this rubbish.

One day, in the front seat of a bus, a boy said to himself, "if my Papa na King, my mama na Queen, I go be Prince; If my Papa na Lion, my mama be Lioness, I go strong."

The bus driver asked him, "4 say your papa na Agbero and your mama na Ashawo, wetin u 4 be?"

The boy looked at him and said: Bus driver!

A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

Why man is the cause of woman's problems,

Believe it or not,

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME

FINANCIAL MELTDOWN

FROM: FATHER

TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES

SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN

Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below
and, under no circumstance is any violation allowed.

1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or
passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of
written request.

2. Breakfast is banned. This matter is not for discussion.

3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are
restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such food, must write to Me in
triplicate, with three days notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons
backed by a qualified dietician.

4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be
watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration,
only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.

5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per
person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical
reasons.

6. Security lights are being removed with immediate effect. All dependants
shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available
shortly.

7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer
food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music
shall sing for them.

8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court
Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from
The House.

9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The
House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to
earn money to replace such broken item(s).

10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in
triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town
Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they
can't stay home. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away
upon arrival.

THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.

best unilag students ever this joke is rated 5 stars

ONE NIGHT 4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE AT NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.

THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.

THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RE-TEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.

THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS:

MID SEMESTER EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS:
All questions are compulsory.
Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four Students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended---- - (30 Marks)
Q.3. What make is the car you were in. ------ (20 Marks)

Q.4. Which tyre burst ------- (28 marks)

Q.5. Who was driving----- ----- (20 marks)

ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS ....2HRS ... END OF PAPER…

This is ever refreshing .......Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the
wine of his Boss and putswater in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspiciousand decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you addwater).Bakari as usual, drank from the wine and topped it up with water (toreplace what he drank).But unfortunately for him, immediately he added water the pastis becamemilky. And when the Boss came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailedBakari. Bakari also knew that he was in trouble and decided to stay put inthe kitchen when his boss came home.The Boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come andacknowledge his evil ways."Bakari!", he called from the sitting room.Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss"."Who drank my pastis?".No answer.The Boss asked again: still no answer.Then the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane orwhat? Why when I call you, you say "yes boss" but when I
ask you aquestionyou don't answer me? "Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you don't understandanything at all, except your name""Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay, you stay beside Madam,while I'll goin the kitchen, and you will ask me a question "..Bakari accepted.The Boss went in the kitchen and Bakari shouted: "Boss".He answered: "Yes, Bakari"."Who goes into the maid's bedroom when the Madam is not there? "No answer.Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"No answer.Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders will never cease!Bakari, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything,except one's name

INTERNAL HOME AFFAIRS MEMO LOL

FROM: FATHER

TO: ALL DEPENDANTS & RELATIVES

CC: MOTHER

DATE: MAY 21, 2009

SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN/COST CUTTING MEASURES FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION

Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations
Have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going
To be accepted.

1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry
And/or passage shall require express permission from myself
Upon submission of written request.

2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed!

3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are
Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to
Me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by
a qualified dietician report as supportive
documentation.

4. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 liters of water per day per
person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical
reasons.

5. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All
dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make
available shortly.

6. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to
offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen
to music shall sing for them.

7. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court
Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from
The House.

8. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The
House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment
somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).

9. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall
apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from
their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing
reasons why they can't stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result
in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival

THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!

Signed:

DAD
Chairman of Home Affairs